Brace yourselves, things got a bit deep..

It's been a little while.. *dusts keyboard*

Now I was contemplating the typical posts like 'What's In My Make-Up Bag',  and '25 Facts About Me' as possibilities for today's post, and I'm 99.9% certain those posts will be gracing your screens in the near future. However, I haven't really been in the mood recently to write those sorts of posts, to be completely honest, Kez has been feeling a bit down (cue the violins.)

To those of you who know me and see me on a regular basis, the words 'Kez' and 'down' in the same sentence is a hard concept to grasp! Constantly, I get asked "Kerry how are you always so happy and smiley all the time?!!" (This is most definitely not a question any of my family ask... In their eyes, my alter-ego as the moody middle child makes an appearance on a regular basis.)

Here is where this post gets a bit deep, (sit tight)

Personally I think there's a huge difference between being happy and being positive. I always aim to keep a positive outlook with everything, I remind myself how lucky I am to have the life I have and how I've gone through certain things previously and have come out of them just fine! So there's no reason I can't do it again! My family and friends are HUGE contributors to my optimistic and positive attitude, they keep me grounded and most importantly sane! I am also a huge believer in that ol' quote "Treat others how you would want to be treated" I always aim to be polite and pleasant to everyone and I am currently in contact with the Guinness Book of Records for the most smiles flashed in a day. I LOVE SMILING. Having endured a whole wealth of braces (including a very fetching pink sparkly one..) and 6 teeth removals, I flash my beautiful gnashers as often as possible and with good reason!

Secondly, I LOVE LAUGHING and who doesn't?! Those laughs where no noise comes out, you can't breath, your cheeks hurt, your eyes are streaming and maybe even the occasional snort for good measure?! So basically what I'm trying to say is, (cue cliché) If you surround yourself with fabulous beings who fulfil the laughing checklist above and help keep your ego from inflating and you constantly remind yourself that 'things could be worse!' Then you my friend should see a lil' positivity gracing your day.

However recently, with the ending of sixth form and consequently the long dragging wait (that literally feels like the length of the Great Wall of China), for my A-Level results. I have been left feeling a bit useless and unfulfilled and so consequently, a bit down!

Is it just me?!

This is where positivity and happiness differ for me. I have been feeling very positive lately, but just not as happy as I would like to be.

1. I hate change (initially), I am the biggest creature of habit and routine. So without any sixth form routine and all of this free time, I feel about as useful as a chocolate teapot..

2. In the midst of making the transition from part-time to full-time: I'm currently waiting to find out whether I have secured a full-time job, so that I can regain some structure in my life again, and also to fund my travels/nights out/shopping list!

3. My sister and my best friend have been out of the country so that in itself, is the equivalent of losing an arm. However they are back today so happiness will be restored there I am sure!

4. My lack of self-belief and confidence has been getting in the way recently and there's times when I just wanna RKO them out of the way! Now although I am a very positive person, many people mistake my positivity as a result of confidence, you could not be more wrong! Although I (hope) that I am a friendly, EXCEEDINGLY (verging on annoyingly), chatty and sociable being. I am severely lacking in the self-confidence department. (People will be reading this right now saying, "oh shut the front door kez you liar"), but seriously it's true. Not so much in the body department as most people may automatically assume (even though my body is definitely not where I want it to be), but more in terms of my ability to do things, and my spontaneity. I constantly put myself down, and have the most negative predispositions of myself that it stops me from giving things a go when I would probably really enjoy them and maybe even be quite good at them!

For example, my driving lessons. Now I know my driving instructor reads my blogposts (Hiya Sian!) and she would be one of the first people to completely agree with the above, she tells me regularly that I need to have more self-belief! I have progressed so much in my lessons, and although I was a bit of a 'slow-burner' at the start (her words not mine!), I have definitely made a huge amount of progress and I'm gradually feeling more and more ready for my test! However I used to get THE WORST anxiety before driving lessons, because I was just so certain that the lesson was going to go awfully, that I wouldn't be able to do any of it, I wouldn't have retained any of what I'd learnt last lesson, etc etc. But now that I have persevered with the lessons and my crappy lack of self-confidence, I have realised that it really is all in your mind!

Now let this be a lesson to you all! Even the (seemingly) most happy and positive person may not be as confident as you would think! I am gradually becoming more and more confident in myself, as I try new things out, but unfortunately it really is a slow process! Going travelling in my gap year will also be a big thing for me in terms of spontaneity, because as I said above I am the biggest creature of habit, so jet setting all around the globe with a vague idea of what to expect, will be a real eye-opener for me!

So on that note, I suggest you all go and breathe in some fresh air to remove all of the soppiness and cliché witnessing from your poor eyes and minds.

I shall be back soon with more upbeat posts! Maybe a fashion-related post? (For all my male readers)

Kez xxxx